Yesterday my 18-month-old fell over and really hurt her knee. I comforted her with breastmilk and a cuddle.
In the evening, I breastfed her to sleep. It was calm, comforting, and quick process. I loved the few minutes of bonding.
Last night, when she woke through the night, I rolled over and fed her back to sleep. I didn’t get out of bed, I was awake for a few minutes, then drifted back to sleep. She felt safe, calm, loved and her neural pathways for nurtured sleep were further enhanced.
This morning, when she woke up, we cuddled and I fed her. It was warm, comforting and a beautiful way to start the day.
Today, we went for her 18 month check at the Children and Family Centre. She is thriving on all her markers, given she got sick at 3 weeks old, this in itself is a miracle. Her speech is ahead of where it should be. She walked early and self-toilet trained at 13 months (no I am not lying, promise!).
When it came to sleep I was asked ” Is she sleeping through the night?”
“No.” I replied. Because night wakings until 5 are normal.
“So you breastfeed her back to sleep?” The nurse asked me.
“Yes.” I replied. Because this supports her neural pathways for sleep, we bedshare and its easy and most importantly this is what I want to-do (95% of the time!).
“She is just waking to check you are there. You can just pat her bum back to sleep.” Was the nurse’s reply.
The nurse told me this of her own opinion. They didn’t ask if it was working for me, what my situation was or anything else. Yes, perhaps it was said with good intention but ultimately what it was, was a health professional, sharing their opinion (not an evidenced based response or information). Which could and would have previously, made me question my decision as a mother to parent my daughter this way. It could and previously would have, caused me unnecessary stress and perhaps even considered to look at other ‘normal’ options.
Yes, nutritionally my daughter doesn’t ‘need’ a feed through the night and the nights she wakes 3-5 times she doesn’t ‘need’ it. But as mums we can choose to soothe and respond to our babies in a way which aligns with our values and instincts, which nurture our babies and our bonds we share with them. This is our choice and if it works for us than there should be no judgement.
So, if you are a mum reading this, with a 7-month-old, 9month old, 12 month old or EVEN a 18-month-old who you feed to sleep. Or who ‘still’ wakes through the night for a cuddle or feed back to sleep. Please know you are not alone. You are not doing anything wrong and you are actually nurturing the neural pathways for your baby’s sleep. Babies can’t self soothe until 3.
So, breastfeed them to sleep, cuddle them, rock them and sing to them. I promise you won’t be doing this when they are 20! One day it will end. As a mother of a 4-year-old, who I fed to sleep until 18 months and did ‘all the things’, like rock to sleep until he was 2, I can tell you those small moments end a lot quicker than you think they will. He doesn’t want to sleep in our bed, even though we bedshared until past 3. The cuddles get less and less.
So tonight, I breastfed my daughter to sleep. I enjoyed the moments of closeness. I remembered it was my decision and my decision only to make. I can stop at any time and that allows me to be empowered to continue, one day at a time.
So tomorrow, when I don’t feed her to sleep because I am away on a trip for work, I will miss holding her little body to mine. I will miss feeling the warmth and her unconditional feelings of trust and safety as she slowly sinks into a world of dreams. I will also appreciate vastly having a whole bed to myself and unbroken sleep. But mainly I will miss those precious moments that I will always hold close, priceless and beyond meaning.