Before I became a mother, I never really thought about what the daily challenges might be of having a newborn, or having a toddler or, having Both!
Before I became a mother, I thought I would be different. I judged other mothers for doing things I thought was ‘wrong’ or that I would certainly do better. There were so many things I had thought to myself “I would NEVER do that!” Then I became a mother…
My pregnancy wasn’t what I expected. Yes, perhaps I did have a cute bump and a bit of a ‘glow’ like I had hoped. Although, I hadn’t expected the constant feeling like my pelvis was coming apart, to the point that walking was painful.
That sitting was painful.
Lying was often painful.
“Heat and panadol”, is what the midwives told me.
It didn’t really help and I didn’t really want to take Panadol everyday. No-one told me about pelvic floor physios and it took till my 2nd pregnancy to find out about osteopaths! My osteopath during pregnancy changed my life. I could walk and be pain free for weeks at a time! But, I was tiered ALL the time. No 2nd trimester “up and go” energy for me. I felt like rubbish all pregnancy. Then came the births…
Horrible induction for my first. In terms of births, it went fairly smoothly from a medical perspective. From an entering into motherhood perspective not so much. I felt disempowered and like my choices and rights had been taken away. It took me so long to bond with my baby as I felt disconnected to myself and him after the birth. Something that I am still trying to work through and process now, 4 years later.
My 2nd birth was so contrasted, being an ‘accidental’ (although to be honest, I was manifesting it a fair bit) home birth. It was beautiful and fairly quick due to many more tools in my pocket. Not without complications afterwards but the bond with her felt instant.
I struggled with breastfeeding with both my bubs. It was through pure grit, tears and a ‘do or die’ mentality that I continued to feed my son until his tongue tie was cut. I breastfeed my 1st till he was 18 months and am still breastfeeding my 2nd at 17 months old. Despite my 2nds tongue tie being cut, constant lactation visits, osteopath appointments and many other strategies, it’s often a challenge to continue. I love it most days though and it’s because of that I keep going.
Since becoming a mum I have done all the ‘right’ things and all the ‘wrong’ things and for me, these actually swapped between my children. Bed sharing and breastsleeping was shameful and wrong when I had my first. But I embraced it entirely with my 2nd. I was well researched, informed and did it safely. It changed my mothering and breastfeeding experience.
I tried all the ‘right’ sleeping things with my 1st. Guess what, he didn’t sleep. I did all the ‘wrong’ sleeping things with my 2nd. She doesn’t sleep through the night (Which is 100% normal and okay!), but her sleep is great. She is 17 months, tells me when she is tiered and goes and gets into bed waiting to be fed to sleep.
I thought I knew all the things about being a mum because I had 3 little siblings growing up. I knew about feeding, changing nappies and getting them dressed. I had cute outfits, organic bedding, natural wipes, reusable toxic free nappies and I had always excelled or achieved something when I put my mind to it. I had motherhood in the bag! Or not. Having my son totally changed my life. So much for the better, but the initial struggle of the first 2 years was very real.
I didn’t realise how much of my own trauma would be bought up when being a mum. I underestimated how hard breastfeeding was, how I would react on constant lack of sleep. How hard it was to feel like myself postpartum while healing, having a new normal and discovering this new body and baby, all while trying to keep myself and this baby alive daily.
Bonding with him was often challenging as I juggled what I was told from midwives and things online from quick panicked googles and how I instinctly felt I should parent and respond to him. When I found that most of what I felt instinctly to-do was actually backed by recent research, I felt relieved. It didn’t make being a mum any easier, but it eliminated some of the guilt. I wasn’t going to make him a co-dependent child because he had contact naps and was breastfed to sleep. I was actually supporting our bonding, his brain development and strengthening the neural networks that would tell him as he grew that sleep was safe.
I was so worried about doing the ‘wrong’ things or him being okay, or all the ‘what ifs’, I believe I ended up with postpartum anxiety and depression. But my family didn’t see it and I thought what I was feeling was ‘normal’. In truth, I was very isolated, lonely and questioning every parenting choice I made. I had no community practicing similar parenting values and my other mum friends often unintentionally made me feel like I was doing the wrong things. I wish I had had real genuine support for my first child. I found and created what I need with my 2nd. It still has often been isolating though, so I want to just stop here and say, if any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone.
If you have read this far, I hope you have found this small snippet of my experience to be of value. I have personally found my journey of motherhood, challenging, complex, intense, draining, beautiful, fulfilling, life changing, the best damn thing to happen to me. If any of this resonates with you and you would like some support, coaching or counselling, please reach out or book an appointment. Motherhood can be challenging and hard! I would love to hear from you. Let’s be those mums that genuinely supports each other and builds each other up!
All the best!
Mikayla
Mikayla@mummasnaturalconnection.com